Confessions Motherhood

i hated pregnacy

March 22, 2017

Yup, that’s true. I hated pregnancy. When we found out we were expecting, I was overjoyed and excited. We’ve always wanted children and were actively trying. While being ecstatic about the prospect of having children, I was unsure about what to expect with pregnancy. Before we found out there were two in there, I had very bad morning sickness. I could only eat for a few hours during the day. And like clockwork, I would throw up every single thing I ate, if I ate after 4pm. This went on every single day for four months. I remember being so hungry, I looked at a plate of fettuccine alfredo and inhaled it. Two minutes after, I was in the washroom and that undigested plate of noodles was in the toilet looking back at me. It’s my clearest memory of pregnancy. And that’s terrible.

Soon after discovering I was carrying multiples, I learnt in twin pregnancies, the hCG hormone is higher and can trigger bad morning sickness. And that feeling sick is more common in multiple pregnancies. Did knowing that make me feel better? Knowing it wasn’t me and there was a reason for my sickness? No. It really didn’t make me feel any better. I just lay on the bathroom floor crying because I was so tired of throwing up. I didn’t care if it was the high amount of hCG making it so, I just didn’t want to feel that way anymore.

Didn’t connect with them much at this stage. But I sure love these kiddos now!

As for twin pregnancies go, I was very fortunate to have a relatively smooth one, I was very mobile up until the end, at 38 weeks. Most moms of multiples head for bed rest and in my one good friend’s case–hospitalized bed rest. So all in all, I was lucky. But that didn’t turn me into a woman who “enjoyed” their pregnancy. There was no bumpy bliss, there was no glow. Unless you consider sweating glow. I didn’t sit in a rocking chair staring out a window imagining what my baby would look like. I went on with my daily activities as normal. I was happy to be carrying life but I did not have that “connection” to my unborn children. That connection came after (and strongly) when the boys were born. Maybe I’m a visual person, I need to feel and see my baby to build that connection. Who knows?

Just to clarify, I was happy to be on a beach not because I was pregnant… 😉

Regardless of feeling all these seemingly negative things, I’m proud to say I don’t feel bad about it nor will I ever apologize for it. It was how I felt and how I still presently feel. I want all the moms-to-be know: if you are having a tougher pregnancy, a high risk one or you’re just not enjoying the process as much as you thought you would have, IT’S FINE. YOU ARE NORMAL. However, I do recommend rounding up a support group. Friends, family, and professionals. Always talk to your doctor or healthcare provider if you have any questions or concerns it might be a more serious issue, such as Antenatal Depression.

I did not have antenatal depression but when I did feel down or felt the hormonal imbalance, I forced myself to get up and do something I enjoyed. I met with my girlfriends, I took a bath, sitting on the porch and got some air. I made myself do it even if I didn’t feel like it. And once I got my foot out the door and going, it made my day better. Find something you love to do and focus on. It helped me and I hope it helps you!

So I’m just here to tell you, if you hate pregnancy and want to punch anyone who tells you to “enjoy” it–I understand. I really do. And there is nothing wrong with how you feel. Making tiny humans and being a baby factory is hard work, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling the way that you do. You’re body is changing, your life will definitely change. So you are allowed to have hesitations, reservations, questions and concerns. Calling pregnancy a life adjustment is an vast understatement. Try to seek out healthy coping mechanisms and always talk to someone.

As always, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a 9 month tunnel but you’ll get there! And try not to punch anyone in the process. 😉

xx, CiCi

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  • Reply Cayla March 22, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    Yes to all of this!!! I’ve always felt very obligated to enjoy my pregnancies having close friends and family who’ve experienced loss and that pressure I put on myself made me enjoy it less! Both pregnancies- I was swollen, exhausted, and miserable. I gained 70lbs both times around without even eating that much. With this pregnancy, I didn’t feel the connection at all until she was in my arms and then it was magic. That totally alone freaked me out and had me guilt-ridden! Thanks for this my friend.

    • Reply CiCi March 27, 2017 at 9:51 pm

      I totally understand where you’re coming from Cayla! The pressure is insane, why do we have to enjoy it?? Some people do, some people don’t and that should be okay! I didn’t have a connection at all until they were here in my arms too. Don’t feel guilt, you were making babies and its hard work! You’re doing awesome! <3

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