Featured Motherhood

mommy confessional: when you see your flaws in your children

November 17, 2016

Look at how cute they are there. Let me tell you, explain to you, ASSURE you they are not always cute. Sometimes they are monsters, borderline insane even.  Honestly, some days they make me question why I wanted children in the first place. Why would I give up my job, my life, my sanity to be stuck at home with two pint sized tyrants who seemingly want to make my life a living hell. And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. ALL mothers have these moments. So let’s take a moment to remember all those moms who have come before us, who survived and lived to tell the tale…okay. Now we’ve got that out of the way.

Toddlers, they have no impulse control. When they lash out, it’s because they have very little control over their emotions. Or so I tell myself. I was asking Max to do something, he turned around and belted out “NOOOO!!” I didn’t even get mad, I was just stunned. I saw myself, my voice, my tone, even my facial features in him. I taught him that. I taught him to scream “No!” when he’s frustrated, mad, or upset. It was like a punch to the gut. I belt out in frustration often, especially when I’m tired. And let’s face it, I’m a mother of twins, I’m always tired.

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Not only is it realizing a fault in yourself, it’s seeing that flaw transcribed on your son’s face. Your flesh and blood, the one (in my case two) reason I wake up in the morning. My main mission in life is to raise them decently, to provide them the social and emotional tools to conquer the world. To be a good person. But I felt like I failed. And it’s a terrible feeling.

However, the good thing about loving someone so much, loving your children so much is that you will do whatever it takes to be the best person possible for that them. When I feel like I cannot control my emotions, I walk away and take a breather.  It helps calms the storm in my mind, battles the exhaustion and frustration that I feel. And then I come back to the situation and start over again. Hopefully in a more positive manner.

When they’re are exceptionally hard and trying days, I take some “time off”. I leave the kids with the husband, go for brunch with my girlfriends, go see a movie, eat a hot meal somewhere. Everyone needs to recharge and its okay to feel that way. Its almost magical what a little time to refocus on yourself can do to your sanity and how it can make you a better parent.

I have so many flaws. So many. But the silver lining is that my children bring out the best in me. They make me want to become the person I hope they will grow up to be. I keep trying to be better, to set a worthy example for them to follow. We all try, we try our damnedest. And the act of trying alone is what makes us good mothers. Take lots of photos, it’ll make you feel better looking back on the happy memories. Looking at their smiles, cheery disposition and you won’t remember or even care about the hard times. So if you’re having a particularly tough day, hang in there! It’s a phase. It’s a phase. It’s a phase. If I say it enough, it’ll come true right? xx. CiCi

 

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